The Jackalope

Ever since I could ever remember I wanted a Jackalope. Little did I know they were so hard to come by. Let me start the story back in 1990 while I was living in Virginia. I had just completed a wildlife art and preservation course and received my certification of completion with my diploma and all from the Northern Virginia School of Taxidermy. Sounds kinda important don't it? So now I'm a taxidermist, oh and before you go tryin' to sign up, that school doesn't exist anymore. So anyways, like I said before, I always wanted a Jackalope and instead of going out and buying one or trying to find out where I could shoot one myself, I decided since I was a big time taxidermist now, I could actually just go ahead and make one myself. Only one problem... You don't see many Jackrabbits in Virginia. Well a few years past and of course I would've bought one from Cabelas or Bass Pro if I wasn't so damn stubborn (cheap) and didn't want to waste the money since I was a full fledged taxidermist ya' know. After awhile of living in Virginia, and even though "Virginia is for lovers" the wifer and I decided to move back towards home. Nebraska, the good life that is, and no, it wasn't because I wasn't having any luck with finding Jackrabbits. We figured we wanted to move back closer to home to be closer to the family because we missed everyone, but we didn't want to move back quite all the way, cuz we didn't miss em' that much. Beings how I love wildlife and the outdoors and so does my wifer, we figured Colorado would be a great place to set up shop, not to mention there's a sh** load of Jackrabbits! Upon making the decision to move to Colorado, my brother and my wife's sister decided to move there as well. Oh did I forget to mention, my brother, married my wife's sister?... Yeah, it's legal. Think about it. So back to our story now. Anyways, for the first several months we lived with them since they made the move first and already had a place for themselves, and a new taxidermist without a reputation and no clientele doesn't make much money stuffin' imaginary Jackalopes and my bro is a rich high-techneck. While living with them it only took a little while for me and my sister-in-law to develop a great relationship with one another. We had a love hate relationship. We loved to hate one another. Naw, not really, when it comes down to it we actually could tolerate one another if we had to. So anyways, we all are living in Loveland and Ma and Pa decided to come up and see their girls. While they were in town we were constantly on the run shopping at the finest antiques stores that Loveland and Fort Collins has to offer. So one day on our umpteenth trip to the Antique Mall over in Fort Collins we passed a road killed Jackrabbit! My heart about started going a mile a minute and I blurted out "Hon, there's a road killed Jackrabbit out in the middle of the road! Can I have it?" Back then we didn't have cell phones and my wife quickly told me no and that we had family in town, we didn't have time and they would wonder what in the hell we were doing pulling over since they were following us and if they saw me pick up road-kill they would probably think we were having it for dinner. Not to mention she didn't want her mom and dad to think we were a bunch of hicks. Of course not, we wouldn't want her parents thinking WE were hicks. Isn't it her parents that suggested a double wedding for us and to have our reception in a bowling alley? Very reluctantly, I proceeded toward our shopping expedition at the Antique Malls over in Fort Collins. Yeah, you bet Ma and Pa heard about the Jackrabbit, and how long I had waited to have a chance at picking one up so I could make my very own Jackalope. So the day went on and many dollar bills were spent on a bunch of old sh** (and they all thought I was crazy for wanting to pick up a road killed Jackrabbit). Now finally we are on our quest back to my brother and sister-in-laws house with our loot, and for some odd reason my sister-in-law is riding back with me instead of her Ma and Pa and my wifer is with Ma and Pa instead of riding back with me. Of course now is my chance to ask my nature-lovin'-tree huggin'-sister-in-law if I can pick up that dead Jackrabbit. I know there ain't no way in Hell she's gonna let me, but I just had to ask anyways. So on the way I home I told her how long I have waited for the opportunity to pick up a Jackrabbit and reminded her that she was my favorite sister-in-law (my only) and that I didn't actually kill it, it was dead already. Oh my god, you are never gonna believe this. She actually said yes! So while we are driving back there to pick it up I will set up the situation. OK there are two lanes going this way and two lanes going that way and one lane right in the middle, and that is where the Jackrabbit is. So I turn my signal on and pull over and park right behind it. I see my Pa-in-law pull up right behind be and park. I get out of the car with the biggest sh** eatin' grin on my face and start walking towards the Jackrabbit like I had won the lottery or something and as I am standing there looking at my treasured road killed Jackrabbit I notice that my wife, Ma and Pa-in-law go speeding off down the road. I am bewildered as to why they would just leave like that but guess it's because I'm a dumb ass. So anyways I am back to picking up the carcass and all of a sudden, a very abrasive and loud voice is heard right over my shoulder. "May I help you son?" Well of course being a quick thinker I very quickly responded. "Well hello officer". Again the officer replies, "May I help you son?" I quickly respond again "Ah, well hello officer". Very frustrated he states that I can not park in the turn lane and notices that I am from Virginia. I reply "Thank you officer, I am sorry to be parking here, I didn't realize you couldn't park here, I never seen a fancy lane like this before, but the reason I'm parked here is because me and my wifer" smiling very cheesy and pointing towards my make believe wife (my sister-in-law) as I am waving back to her I state that "me and my wifer hit this poor little bunny on the way over to the movies, and she wanted me to check on it to see if the poor little thing was OK." The officer says with a firm voice "That's a Jackrabbit, and a dead one, this is a turning lane and I should write you a ticket, but I'll just give you a warning this time". So I hop back into my car and we drive off and wave to the officer as we drive off, my merry and gay wave as we drive down the road turns into a finger as now I am just really well you now pissed. Believe it or not I almost had a tear in my eye as we were leaving. So now we are back at my bros house and we are getting ready to barbecue. The wifer says I need to run down to the store and get a few things. So I yell to my bro to hurry up and hop on in the truck cuz we are gonna go grab some grub real quick to throw on the grill , and we just have to go right up the road. I never until just now and this is about 15 years later understood why Ma and Pa-in-law had such a weird look on there face as we were leaving. So anyways, while we are on our road trip to get some grub, I ask my bro if it's OK that I pick up that road-killed Jackrabbit. He of course says yes cuz we are already ahead of schedule. So on the way back over to his house I pass the road-killed Jackrabbit, go to the next block, turn right turn into a drive and back out. I pull up to the Highway turn my signal on cross the two lanes of traffic when it's safe, then the fancy lane and now am heading west bound on the highway. I see the road-killed Jackrabbit, I signal to get over, I pull over this time on the shoulder, and not in the fancy lane. I then turn on my flashers and tell my brother to give me the Walmart bag so I can throw the road-killed Jackrabbit in there, cuz I didn't want any one to think I was weird if I'm walking across the street with a dead road-killed Jackrabbit. So now! Finally! I get to get my very first road-killed Jackrabbit so I can start my Jackalope project. I grab the door handle and just as I start to open the door, two cherry colored bright as Hell ass lights turn on with high beams pointing directly in my direction. Oh no! Now what? I tell my brother I didn't think I was speeding, I turned my signals on I didn't run a red light and I turned on my... Just then a bright flashlight beams down into my face and you will never guess what happens next. Yep, you guessed it. The same cop! That son-of-a worked a double shift. The next thing you know he blurts out "What seems the problem son?" I blurt right back to hime my answer, cuz I am such a quick thinker, said "Well you remember my wife earlier and how bad she felt about the poor little bunny?" "Jackrabbit" the officer says. "Well, she felt so bad about that bunny, I mean Jackrabbit that she told me I needed to come back here pick it up and bury it" The officer looked as if he almost gave a sh**, but just for a split second before he put his hands over his face, started shaking his head back and forth and opened told me to step out of the vehicle. I about sh** my pants when he grabbed my hand pulled me across the two lanes of traffic and said, while holding my hand like a little kid, "Is this the bunny?" I said "Jackrabbit?" He says, "Jackrabbit!?!" "Why, yes sir it is." "Is the Jackrabbit dead?" the officer asks. "Yes!" I exclaim. He says in a very scary voice. "Then pick it up, and get the Hell outta here before I write you a goddamn ticket!" I have never been so scared or excited as I was at that very moment. I threw open the sack, grabbed the road-killed Jackrabbit and shoved it into my bag as quick as I could so that he wouldn't change his mind. I didn't care about getting a ticket, I just didn't want him to take my bunny, I mean my road-killed Jack-to-be-alope. As soon as I place the animal into the bag, he grabs my hand like a schoold child again, walks me across the traffic and tells me to get the Hell outta there, before he changes his mind. I'm not for sure but I think I may have even burnt a little rubber as I was leaving. Anyways, Yipee! I finally got a road-killed Jackrabbit and now my life long dream of mounting a Jackalope was about to come true. I was so excited I called my wife about it and totally forgot about the fact I was supposed to be picking up some meat to grill. Anyways, before she started bitchin' about how long it was taking I hung up. We pull into the driveway and the garage door opened, as we are pulling in everyone is standing in the garage, and they all know why it took so long. My wife says "I suppose you had to go back and get that road-killed Jackrabbit didn't ya?" I said "Yep" and my brother blurts out " And we didn't even almost get arrested or anything" Have I ever told you I hate my brother? I don't know how long I got yelled at but it must've been midnight before we got done with the barbecue. Well anyways, I left the road-killed Jackrabbit in the trunk so I wouldn't get busted by my wife, but since she busted me and knew about it already, I went and grabbed it outta the trunk. Everyone, for the most part anyways was all gathered around me in the garage as if I were opening a Christmas present or something. I don't know, I guess they were just as excited about it as I was or something, but after several years of waiting for this and talking about how I was going to make my very own Jackalope reached into the bag and pulled it out. Would you believe that frickin' road-killed Jackrabbit, that I got bitched out about and almost arrested and waited almost an eternity for had both of his eyes popped out, half of the hair on the side of his face was missing and he was missing a ear, not just a piece! A whole ear! I about threw up, had a heart attack, cried and sh** my pants all at the same time, on top of all of that I make believe married my sister-in-law for a few minutes. The god damned thing was totally worthless. I shoved it back in the bag. Sped straight back way over the speed limit, slammed on my breaks, did a 180 threw the car in park in the middle of the road and threw that sucker as far as I could into the weeds. Needless to say I was pissed, but at least the cop went home and didn't see any of that happening. So anyways, a year or so passed and I am replenishing my business cards at Walmart and I hear a chuckle behind me and a voice say "I should've known". As he is looking at my business card. "Why didn't you tell me you were a taxidermist?" I just shrugged my shoulders, turn my head and tell the cop in plain dressed clothes, "I didn't wanna feel stupid". He says, "So how do ya feel know?" I didn't answer him, but now 15 years after the incident still do not have a Jackalope in my living room to this day. Believe it or not, I am actually thinking about buying one, but with any luck I may come across another road-killed Jackrabbit sooner or later.